Caregiver Burnout

One of the aspects of growing up (sometimes prematurely) is that we inevitably take on the roles of caregivers for our loved ones – whether it’s parents taking care of their children, young adults taking care of older parents, taking care of a sick family member or friend, or sometimes even taking care of an entire household.

Caregiving is exhausting and the burden on the caregiver often overlooked.

The Caregiver takes on the role because he or she cares. The philosophy of love across cultures implies sacrifice, and hence as a caregiver, if he or she truly loves the person who needs care, it often results in sacrifice on the part of the caregiver. The sacrifice is typically in terms of time, mindshare, putting the needs of the individuals receiving care first and more often than not completely ignoring the needs of the caregiver him/herself.

If you’re a parent, it likely means you don’t have time to pursue your hobbies or find time for self care, or even to invest in your relationships outside of taking care of your children. You’re not a good parent if you’re not sacrificing your life for your kids’ future. If you’re a young adult taking care of older parents, it means everything else naturally has to stop, your personal travels, your time with your spouse, your friends, your career goals. Stepping away from caring for your parents would imply you’re a selfish child. Your parents did so much for you and here you are not caring enough for them.

If you’re a caregiver looking after a sick family member, somehow the right to live your life dissipates. If you give up your life’s goals and dreams to take care of your loved one, you’re idolized, if you don’t, you’re doomed to societal judgement. Perhaps this is a phenomena more prominent in collectivist cultures than individualistic cultures, yet, its pervasive to different degrees across most.

Society is very quick in putting the burden of responsibility and the burden of blame on the caregiver. Or why even wait for society to pass judgement; many caregivers, especially women, eagerly and happily take on that responsibility and burden on ourselves – out of pure humanity and love for their dear ones. However, what help is being offered to the caregiver? Or what help do caregivers seek for themselves?

In fact, caregiving is so difficult; that many find the easier way out — not do anything at all. Escape or avoidance is often easier than facing the challenge head on.

Being in a caregiver role is a double edged sword. Because you care, you take on and bear the emotional experience of the person receiving care. Your actions, your thought process, your decisions all revolve around the well being of the care receiver. You also face the pressures from society and your social circles about constantly being evaluated and judged if you’re doing a good job as a caregiver. Am I not a good parent? Am I not a good son or daughter? Am I not doing enough for my sick loved one?

You’re likely in a caregiver role because you have the strength and the ability to do so. But how long can that strength and ability be maintained?

What we sometimes forget or simply overlook, is that caregivers need the most care. If your bucket is empty, what can you give to someone else?

The best example I’ve heard well wishers give me is about the standard pre flight safety instructions: “If you have a child with you, in the case of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first, before putting it on for your child.” What help or care can you provide to your child or parent or sick loved one if you can’t help yourself first? Who will take care of the caregiver if the caregiver falls from exhaustion?

Burnout, resentment, emotional pains, stress related illnesses, fallout from social circles, and in some cases your own body giving up, these are all eventual side effects of ignoring your own needs while dutifully pursuing your responsibilities of caregiving. Doesn’t matter what happens to me, at least I’m doing my duty!

I’ve heard people citing inspiring examples of people who sacrificed their lives to take care of their loved ones. Those people must have the strength and courage of a saint.

My parents were two of those saintly people. I have seen both of them succumb to the pressures of caregiving, with very little support. I see friends everyday struggling to juggle their roles as mothers and fathers and taking care of senior parents or sick family members. They never have time for themselves. It’s not been a priority. How could it be? I continue to live with the guilt every single day of not doing enough as a caregiver. I face judgement every now and then. How can I live my life to the fullest when someone needs me more? It doesn’t matter what I need.

I have to constantly remind myself, there is no right or wrong. There is no one perfect way of doing anything. This is not a black or white verdict.

Love doesn’t need to be measured on a scale defined by society.

I have to remind myself, I need to take care of myself. Only then can I take care of my loved one. I need to love myself, only then can I give love to someone else. I need to feed my soul, only then can I have the positive energy to feed someone else’s soul. It’s a balancing act, much like anything else we juggle in our life — health, money, work life balance etc.

To take care of someone else is noble and human, but is sacrificing yourself completely, the path to the best outcome for both the caregiver and the care receiver? Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps there is a middle ground. Perhaps the middle ground changes from time to time. Perhaps your loved one needs you more at certain times, and perhaps you need yourself more at others. Perhaps it’s an evolving process rather than an absolute continuum.

While I’m still trying to figure this out for myself, my plea to my fellow caregivers is: please take care of yourself too. Hopefully the quality of the care you give to your loved one will improve significantly, once you are whole and complete yourself.