Letting Go

The toughest part on that bouldering wall is to let go and fall. I’m petrified of it. Even though I know there is cushioning at the bottom to protect me, so much of what holds me back is the fear of what comes after I let go. It’s the fear of uncertainty; it’s the fear of hurting myself from the fall; it’s the fear of onlookers laughing and pitying me; it’s the massive anxiety of leaving the safety of holding on to something, even if it means staying stuck to that wall.

What I fail to recognize though, is if I stay stuck to that wall, afraid to let go, I’m really just stuck where I’m at. I’m too afraid to move up, I’m too scared to trace my steps back down. I’m just stuck and paralyzed by fear. After a while, I may not feel too great about it, but I just can’t see another way out, and I just don’t want to let go.

What I fail to recognize is that if I let go, trusting that I’ll be ok (and even if I’m not, that there will be another path forward) that I’m giving myself a chance to get unstuck. That I’m giving myself a chance to perhaps find another path to get up.

What I fail to recognize is that if I let go, and I do end up getting hurt, that’s ok. It might hurt, but perhaps that’s still better than being stuck up there. Even if I get scarred, it’s the price I would rather pay for getting unstuck and have the chance to find another path forward.

What I fail to recognize is that maybe I’m not letting go because I am terrified of what other people will say and think of me. I notice other climbers on the wall and they are all so strong and adept and climbing effortlessly. Everyone will pity me or laugh at me when they see me fall. I can’t take that so I’d rather pretend I’m ok being stuck to the wall.

What I fail to recognize is that, all those avid climbers out there, didn’t get up there in a day; that they all fell multiple times; that some of them got massively hurt; that they healed through it and got stronger and got back up there. That they are good at this because they are comfortable with falling.

What I fail to recognize is that if I let go, I’m giving myself a chance of perhaps meeting another fellow climber(s) who can guide me, encourage me and maybe show me the way to get up there more easily or simply help me overcome my fear of falling.

Maybe I’ll continue to stay stuck until I can no longer hold on. Or maybe after a while, I overcome my fear and do attempt to take a step forward. Perhaps it works, perhaps it doesn’t. But as the path gets harder, and the higher I go the greater the fear of falling becomes, inevitably, I fall either because I took a misstep or because my mental and/or physical strength gives in.

What I realize after I take the plunge, voluntarily or involuntarily, is that the fall wasn’t so bad after all. My fear of falling was so much bigger than the act of falling itself.

What I realize after I let go and fall, is that maybe it hurt little, or a lot, but at least I am out of that terrible feeling and situation of being stuck. A huge sense of relief washes all over me.

What I realize after I let go and fall, is that suddenly, I have the freedom to take so many different paths to get up there again. That now, instead of being paralyzed by fear, I actually have the ability and the choice to look back and understand why I chose the steps I did and what I should do differently next time.

What I realize after I let go and fall, is that most people didn’t really notice or care. Even if some did, I no longer care. If some people laughed or pitied me, they probably need to see others fail in order to feel better about themselves. On the other hand, there are people who’ve been there and give me a thumbs up to say – Great try! Keep it going!

What I realize after I let go and fall, that sometimes, I just need to trust myself and my support systems: brace myself as best as I can and bank on the cushion below me as I let go. Of course it would be foolish to let go if there wasn’t any support or protection to fall back on, and even then accidents happen and frankly, sometimes the only choice we have is to take a risk. But, the point here is, that sometimes we just have to trust and have faith in order to overcome the fear that’s gripping us.

What I realize after I let go and fall, is that the best part of climbing is reaching the top, but in order to do that, I have to be willing to let go and fall a few times.....perhaps multiple times. The more open and comfortable I am with letting go and falling, the quicker I’ll find my way to my destination. The more confident and adept and stronger I’ll be in getting there.

So, what about you? Where are you stuck and what are you not letting go of, in your life?

“What if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?” – Erin Hanson